Brian

I have discovered two motivating activites: 1. Back into the 40K, 2. Cleaning up my poetry.

In regards to number one, now that I have the resources to fuel that ridiculously expensive hobby, I'm going to. I've spent the last week reading the codex, consturcting an army list, and inventing a paint scheme. Now that I've accomplished all three the only left is to collect and paint. Good times to be had for sure.

In regards to the second, I'm not sure what inspired me to do so, but I've dug up my journals and converted a number of entires into poems, so far I have 12 completed works that I'm happy with, more than enough to compile a zine and I have my plan for the zine all set out, it's just a matter of assembling it and printing it. So, I should get on that, but what first? Zine or Warhammer. Maybe both at the same time, too tempting...

Okay... I'm done being EMO, for the time being. It is a curse being extraordinarily emotional. However, emotion doesn't necessarly have to be negative, emotion is also positive, I'm quick to anger and cry with happiness. So, I started my new job, which is sweet. I am currently in the giant box store that is London, Ontario, have to go the office today and do paperwork (I love saying that). This week and next week and the week after that place me in the Muskokas, Bracebridge to be exact. I've never been there until now and man is it beautiful. When driving into the Muskokas you can tell by looking at the horizon that the air is so fresh and clean. Anyway, I like to keep my journals short and sweet unless I have something really important to say. So, back up from the underground I go to interact with the world.

Peace!

Wow! Live Journal has changed significantly to keep up with the times. Anyway, I'm graduated school now and fading out of the public eye. This may sound like the ravings of a person on the verge of suicide. Quite the opposite. It's just this whole social internet thing has me thinking about my inactivity. I guess this message is kind of like a vault, a time capsule, preserving the final thoughts of a man retreating underground. Once again, not literally, more so in the name of knowledge. Life is kind of lonely.

This semester I have 5 english courses so it is going to be a period of many bleary eyed by the night light evenings piling over pages and pages of text.

My courses suck ass, but I needed to take all of them for degree requirement purposes. My courses are: Gender in Literature, Citizenship in Literature, 18th and 19th Century Literature, Modern and Contemporary Literature (with Dionne Brand as my professor), and 20th century British Literature where we're studying two of my most favourite writers of all time: T. S. Eliot and Samuel Beckett.

The 20th Century British Literature I'm looking forward to and having the experience of Dionne Brand in person. The Gender will blow, the 18th 19th will blow, and so will the citizenship, but ah well gotta roll with the punches until they stop coming then I'm free to enter the world and work. Boy I can't wait to be working, this school shit has gotta go.

I awoke and wondered why my sleep has been so clouded.
Something then awoke in me that yet has been to named.
The thought that one as scared as I will pass to be remembered.
But, alone is must or else my pride fades away and always dies.

Because I cannot take from you. You must take from me.
You must stop and say "hello" and see how far the memories go.

They cannot take us into now. We cannot see tomorrow.
We only see that each are here beside us and in safety.
I need you. You need me. We do not die crooked trees.
Trees alone and scared to bloom beside the places we must stand.
Waiting for a friend to hold and touch and never fear.
You may reward me with a tear.
Laugh and sleep and always think happiness is near.

Now that I am in my last year of University the reality of getting a job has dawned on me. I went to a Job Fair on Wednesday. The Fair was mostly an opportunity to get the contact names and numbers of employers. 95% of the booths were looking for administrators, marketing analyists, software designers, engineers, chemists, etc., and all sorts of technical positions that I am not qualified for. However, there were three booths there for teaching English overseas, (2 for Korea, 1 for Japan). There was one booth there by Geosign which is an internet publisher that designs their own websites and produces articles on fashion, food, interior decorating, etc., and they were looking for writers and editors. The last booth I visited was a software company called OpenText that was looking for marketing writers to produce brochures and web content and things of that nature.

Teaching English oversea is something I am seriously considering right now. The package is to die for: $33 000 Canadian paid in Korean dollars, Korea has a 2% income tax rate, the company pays for your ticket to and from Korea, they pay for your lodging while in Korea, and they provide a three week paid vacation. Essentially, the only expenses that would fall on me would be transportation to and from work, hydro, internet, and food, and life is Korea is significantly cheaper than life in North America. So, I would go and teach and return sitting on about $25 000. The downside: teaching English overseas has become a popular and trendy thing to do so their application list is probably insanely long. But, there is no harm in trying.

This seems like an appropriate media to communicate with the people that matter. This is a journal entry of mine written today.

"Wasting away the hours killing bees and drinking coffee on a patio, (more like a series of tables and chairs scatttered on the sidewalk), beside a filthy street. The West is the land of wasted opportunity and privilege. Somehow the human race thrives on alcohol, tobacco, and bad food.

Yet humans are also capable of the gentlest moments where nothing else matters except each other. However, such moments are fleeting and soon we return to vulgarity."

I know it's nothing special, most of the things I write aren't, but people don't want to hear about despair so I end that thought here:

Get used to suffering. Be uncomfortable in comfortable situations. Learn to love your eternal condition. Relax. No time for relaxation. Push away what you can before it hurts you. The friendship I loathe is the friendship I can't live without. One day I will be successful. Just wait and see.

This entry is a whole lot of bitching and complaining so brace yourself.

I am an employee at the Guelph Mercury in the mailroom. Today I worked from 6:00am until 8:30pm, (14 hours and 30 minutes). The only two breaks I received were a 15 minute break at 2:30pm, (8 hours and 30 minutes into my shift), and a lunch break at 7:00pm (13 hours into my shift). Let us look at this equation; coincidentally I happen to have a copy of the Guelph Mercury's Human Resources Policy beside me to aid us in our analysis.

Violation Number One: The first part of the Policy states that "Each employee is entitled to two 15 minute breaks during a shift of 7.25 hours or more". I worked for 14.5 hours which means I should have received two 15 minute breaks. I received one 15 minute break at 2:30pm, which means that I did not receive the other 15 minute break entitled to me. Hmmmm....

Violation Number Two: The second part of the Policy states that "Each employee is entitled to a 30 minute lunch break after five hours of work". I worked for 14 hours and 30 minutes which means I should have received two 30 minute lunch breaks. I received one 30 minute lunch break at 7:00pm which means I did not receive my other 30 minute lunch break for the first 5 hours of my shift. Hmmmm....

Violation Number Three: The Labour Laws of Canada dictate that no employee can be forced to work more than 12 hours in a single day. I worked for 14 hours and 30 minutes, even if you take away the 15 minute break and the 30 minute lunch I still worked for 13 hours and 45 minutes. Hmmmm....

This isn't the first time my rights as an employee at the Guelph Mercury have been violated. In short: Boycott the Guelph Mercury for unjust treatment of labourers. Thank you!

Being insanely bored updating seems like a good idea. Work sucks... Can't wait for Hillside... Can't wait for school... And work still sucks. I have not read a single thing all summer except a small section of the Werewolf Forsaken book. Now, here's another one of my faintly artistic creations:

The simplest page
In the simplest way
Can teach a person more
Than a novel

I seek this simple page
In simple ways
To hopefully
Help another

Walk and stop
To teach the self
What life is when its quiet

For now is when
What will be then
Where life shall never end

That's all for now until I write another poem, which, by my predictions, will be many months from now at 5:00 pm.

I am updating my blog in response to a very nasty blog by Jay condemning all of the people to hell that don't update regularly. I don't update my blog because there is rarely something new for me to say. Finished my semester, looking for a job with no success, and playing Neverwinter Nights is pretty much a summary of my life at the moment.

I am firm advocater of the phrase if you don't have something important to say then don't say anything, hence my lack of blogging. In regards to my poetry, I've only ever written like 5 or 6 poems in my life, so Dr. Dre is still miles ahead of me in that department. Nonetheless, here's another one of my poems to calm Jay's frustration.

As we say in a sadened way
To seek a soulful bliss
People lay in gloomy graves
"The memories persist"

We were never cold nor hateful
We were fighting for the sun
Dying slowly, never fully,
As another moon begun

Lights mingled with a silent sky
We sought the safety of sages
Content to stay, but not remain
In rooms of fading pages

What a time to think in ryhme
A rhyme for passing the time

Time to work and Time to play
Time to separate the day
Into portions Into space
Into thoughts and written grace

The morning is a time to greet
The day a time for weary feet
The night is for the gentle light
That fights the leering white

The light the lamp
The white the sun
How better to be underdone?

For each time while lying at night
Dreams give way to sight
The sun always then stamps an end
On what I seek to comprehend

Funny how little one's problems seems when placed against the problems of the world. All of my friends are currently in a state of anxiety and nervousness about the future. This only makes sense, since most of them are taking drastic steps at the moment. Maybe I'll post one of my poems for fun-loving reading:

Do you ever wonder when Mongoose fly?
Or, peppermint grow double?
If you can't but wonder why
Then surely life's no trouble

So seek the work of truant hand
In purpose or in leisure
Only to wonder yet again
Why days seem free of pleasure

Went to a HolyFuck concert, (Kevin, Meg, and myself), on Saturday. It was very good, got a little stoney and chilled in the Vinyl for a good portion of the day. Then the three of us went to Caribou Creek to eat. Kevin thought it would be an excellent idea to order our dessert first so each one of us ordered a different dessert, Kevin got the apple crisp, I got the turtle cheesecake and Meg ordered the best dessert by far smores which was a delicious pastry with delicious sauce and delicious ice cream.

I also wanted to report that my father ordered a new laptop for me today and it is expected to arrive this Thursday. I am very excited because I can finally pitch my vacuum tube powered ghetto machine. Given my new obsession with Stargate Atlantis having a laptop makes me feel more technologically hip and for the first time ever, in direct contradiction to my MSN name, I am waving to the future with a welcoming smile on my face.

Needless to say I am once again a smoker. So much for remembrance.

Long time since, I've been slumbering in my winter hibernation or maybe my social hibernation in general. I am content this is sufficient.

This is an update on my issue of picking up smoking again. I will not say that I've quit, but I haven't had a cigarette for three weeks.

When you stop smoking you realize that the habit has a tendency to make you selfish, sure it helps you focus, but when you focus you lose sight of the greater picture and correspondently of the people around you. I don't mean lose sight as in forget, I mean lose sight as in lose the desire to extend compassion because when you smoke you suffer with no one but yourself and care about no one else's suffering but your own. Perhaps that's just my experience.

Nonetheless, I'm not trying to be the person that runs up to smokers and jumps on their cigarette packs shouting through a megaphone that smoking is hazardous for their health, but seriously, when you haven't smoked for a respectable segment of time you remember what it's like to breath and consciously replenish your own intellectual energy without the aid of chemicals.

Try quitting for two weeks, just as a thought experiment, you might just find it your liking.

I spent the majority of the holiday season impaired in some way or another, be it weed, drink, mushrooms, E, or a combination of substances. For Chirstmas I received some cool stuff: I received a metal vagina from Kevin that was cast from a real vagina so, needless to say, it's very realistic. Jay gave me some Chuck Palahnuk, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, and "The Silmarillion" which I took out of the library once and read but never got around to finishing. My brother gave me a gift certificate for Chapters that I used to buy "Silent Spring" by Rachel Carson. Rachel Carson was essentially the first modern environmentalist and she wrote "Silent Spring" to address the issue of using DDTs, (pesticides, herbicides, and gentically altered fertilizers), for growing food and how bad it is for the environment. Ryan got me "The Colour of Magic" which is some fantasy and science fiction book. Since Ryan recommended it I trust that it should be kick ass. My mom bought me "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" and Michael Ondaatje's "Coming Through Suffering" which is a book that was recommended by Roy who is one of my fellow English scholars at the U of G. My dad gave me a new wallet and money which made me very happy and Chris got me a CD that was compiled by himself. All in all a good Christmas.

Dropped E last night for New Years and am now sketched to the extreme, but I know I'll recover in a couple days and that's all for now.
Peace all!

I still admit that my taking up smoking again is a failure but I am going to try and make a ocnscious effort to not buy another pack of cigarettes after this one is finished. After my final projects are out of the way, I refuse to become a smoker again.

This weekend has been a party-solid time. On Thursday there was this big CASU end of the year 24 hour arts day. It began at 10:00am with a tour of the Fine Art building here at the U of G. I was the only person that showed up for the tour, but it was a good experience. I was taken through the drawing-room, painting-room, wood-shop, metal-shop, the show-room. I had no idea that the Fine Art building was so immense. Of course, it's nothing compared to OCAD where, pardon my opinion if I offend anyone, all the real artists go, but it was cool nonetheless.

There was then this button making activity at 11:00am. All I had to do was cut a picture out of a magazine and the people that were throwing the event made a button for me. I found this kick ass picture of a rather downtrodden looking Mickey Mouse kicking a can down the street after being rejected by a bunch of modern cartoon icons. Then there was poetry reading at the Bullring from 2:30pm to 4:30pm. I read, no one was paying attention, but I'm going to commed my courage anyway. Later at 7:00pm there was a bunch of Philosophy students dramatizing Plato's dialogues. I didn't go, but it was cool, because they just walked around the UC in togas and that's how Socrates did things; if you wanted to follow, you could, if not, so be it. At 8:00pm there was the honour students show-room opening with free food and alcohol. Then the party landed at the Albion where I talked to a bunch of hot chicks that I've seen around campus, but that, before that night, I had never had justifiable reason to approach. All in all, it was a fun night. On Friday I got drunk in Toronto, on Saturday I went to a play put on by the Drama and Theatre school entitled "The House of Yes", crazy play about fucked up incestual fantasy, and then I got drunk at the Bin again. This is where the failure comes in.

You see, I've been off the cigarettes for 5 months. Partying and drinking all weekend with people in the Arts department was just totally fucking cool and correspondently led to social smoking each evening. I thought I could keep the smoking at social, but tonight, as the burden of final essays comes bearing down, I bought a pack of cigarettes. When Kevin reads this he'll know I now owe him $40.00 which will be dutifully payed next time we meet. And I'm sorry for having disappointed all those people that were so proud of me for quiting. But, that's where I stand and, who knows, maybe when I've finished my schooling and have gotten the fuck out of my house, I'll no longer need the calming effect that smoking provides. Maybe when I go to BC to WOOF this summer, which I'm hoping I'll be able to do, the smoking will once again be filtered out of my system. However, I've heard the first time is easy, the second time is near impossible, but we'll see, and sorry once again for letting everybody down, I just hope you all will still speak to me :)

I haven't updated in a while so I figured it was a about time, my secondary purpose being to avoid starting a paper I have due on Thursday.

I find I can't concentrate at home so I come to the library to do my studying. It amazes me how much knowledge is contained within these walls. As I was researching an essay last week I came across a whole section of the library dedicated to government publications. These publications clearly outline matters of the Canadian budget, political programs currently in effect around the world, business and industrial reports, resident reports, resource quantity and distribution reports, in short, everything about this country and how it operates. Amazing! One could spend an entire lifetime going up and down these hallways. I only wish I possessed that insatiable lust for knowledge so intrinsic to the lives of great people, but, then again, perhaps I wasn't meant to be great.

Anyway, I wrote an article for the Ontarion on "Social Responsibility". They got back to me with input on what they wanted me to do with it so I went canvasing door to door in Neighbourhood Watch communities for 5 hours on Sunday asking members what they thought of the program. Some people invited me in to discuss it with them, some said it was good, some said it was bad, and others literally slammed their door in my face. One incident is of particular interest. Every Neighbourhood Watch community appoints a Watch Captain. In one of the neighbourhoods I went to the Watch Captain refused to speak to me telling me that she was too busy at the moment and that there was no convenient time for me to return. Funny, I thought one of the Watch Captain's duties was to educate people on the program and encourage people to join. Needless to say, if I was a new home-owner, I wasn't the least bit encouraged or impressed by her actions.

All in all I discovered that Kevin was right, Neighbourhood Watch is pretty much a pointless program that looks pretty and that's about it. Most of the people I spoke to weren't even members and some weren't even aware that there was a Neighbourhood Watch in their community even though the signs are bright blue and red and posted in obvious places. Alot of people said it is a good program with potential, but that community involvement is slim to none. It seems that one of the stereotypes about modern society is right, most people are too concerned with their own selfish existence to care much about the welfare of others, you take care of you and I'll take care of me; then we wonder why so many people are unhappy.

Anyway, enough enough I have work to do. A peace out going out to anyone that reads my journal.
Peace out!